9th May 2006 - Tuesday...

Ok so it's been like forever...(well a couple of weeks)...since my last update.
Between then and now...all that's basically changed is the temperature..I had a birthday too which was good.... I got £100 to spend on a USB Digital TV thingy for my computer, I also had enough left over to buy an in car MP3 player, which should be fun, not least of which fitting it !!!

I got some "Rhythm sticks" which are basically some drum sticks that make the drum noises without the need for drums !!!! how excellent is that ? I got one or two other bits too (invisible playing cards for one thing!!!)....so I did pretty excellently....

I'm typing this whilst Jack cries heartily into Mandy's arms...he should get an oscar, I'm sure he's really really upset, but it's 10 past 9 and his bed time is half past 8 and every night he manages to stretch it so he doesn't have to go to bed at his bed time...it's quite an art to watch...Mind you he's learnt every trick in the book from his brother..

My feeling would be he's a bit upset because Alan (the cat), is going to be picked up (finally) by the RSPCA tomorrow and re-homed, it all came to a head really since Jack had spotted that he had these bumps around his neck and when I checked the little bumps seemed to have legs !!!....

Wednesday 31st May 2006
Yes yes I know..another two weeks go by....We had the Cat picked up (finally) after much asking and asking and asking...Jack then cried himself to sleep every day for a week.

Mandy then cried herself to sleep for at least a couple of days and I must admit to being a little misty eyed myself...aaaaannnnnnyyyy way....it all came to a head and I phoned the RSPCA woman at the Ark place where Monsieur le chat was staying, having had his bits chopped off and been de-flead and de-loused etc and all manner of horrible things...I managed to persuade her that they needed to let us adopt the cat properly. Marley was his given name, so we went down on last saturday and picked him up, much to Jack's surprise and joy. Given what we managed to get done to him you'd have thought paying the £35.00 adoption fee would be enough but hell no...no we had to buy him a collar, two bowls a mat for under his bowls a litter tray since he's not allowed out for 2-3 weeks and he also has to see the vet next week for his next set of jabs which will cost another £35.00 odd.. hmmm...it's getting expensive....he was cheaper when he was a stray...If that weren't enough the bloody thing wont stop meowing, to the point where you start asking him what the matter is...I mean how crazy is this....

To todays events...................................yup absolutely bloody nothing..Brenty is at Water-home-ville, Rob just HAD to go to Overdone (nothing to do with Basra his bestist buddybeing there oh no) so that just left me on my toddle. Given the distinct lack of people to talk to...I mean I could talk to the second liners but I'm not sure they'd understand my techno speak...;-))

Crispin Spider is back from his secondment to overdone, so at least there's a friendly face...albeit not for long so I'm told..he's off doing something like selling or something...I'm sure he'll fill me in on the details at the Curry night....(I'm only going because it's £5 a head !!!)

There's not much happening on the moving front unfortunately...lots of people (I say lots about 5) came to see our house, and they all "absolutely loved the house...." (unquote) but apparently our garden is too noisy and our master bedroom is too small...(what ya gonna do in it but sleep ?)....so hoblox to the lot of them that's what I figure. I think we're pretty much decided to just sit tight and wait until next year when we can not sell again but with the lure of being able to live any where (so RabitWarren and Beggarsbelief it is then), since Jack will have his place at PortsmouthHummock Secondary School...

The only real thing to look forward to now is the look on my mum's face when I ask her to feed OUR cat for a change !!!!...hahahahah vengeance is mine sayeth the lord....;-)...

Ok that's all for now...another update soon...I say soon...."meooowwww...." where's that hammer of mine.....

25th April 2006: Catch up Special…..
Ok I’ll try my best…..Basically at the beginning of the month..well about the 12th I had the need to attend Inhospitable for a Colonoscopy…No great drama, so you’d think just routine (ok that’s not true)…

This basically meant that the day before I had to stop eating after lunch at midday…this was fine until about 7pm when I was quite literally ‘dying’ of starvation!!!...

Luckily the time slipped by nice and quickly and by 2pm the next day I was at the hospital being introduced to all the clever people…A couple of quick injects in the arm and I really couldn’t care less…Mr sleepy…I distinctly remember asking the Nurse what the two figures were in the blood pressure measurement, but I can’t for the life of me tell you what she actually said…still that was all done I had the Thursday off, well coz you’ve got to haven’t you…Friday was good Friday so I basically had the whole week off plus a bit for the bank holiday…excellent…!!!

The weekend of the 13th we went to my Sisters and played some cricket (yup in April)…

Speeding up to date Mandy and I then decided that we’d put our house on the market…just like us to do this the wrong time. It suddenly occurred to us (just after we’d gone on the market) that actually next year would have been a better time since Jack (POD) would already have his place at Portsmouth MinorLump school, the same school his brother is at…In fact putting the house on the market before this time would be completely stupid…ahhhaaaa….So we’re stuck with only considering properties in the school catchment area (our current area),...and to be honest I really don’t know how estate agents get away with the pricing on most if not all the houses they have on their books….It’s somewhat easier to understand if you note the word ‘Agent’ in their job title…Anyone with this word in their job title…are well something less than honest shall we say.

Our ‘Honest’ estate agent curiously enough is the only one to have valued our house something resembling an accurate figure !!! odd that ….!!!...So now Mandy is in mental mode…cleaning up everywhere…basically every time the phone rings…it also means she now has the ‘Right’ to moan at me for not helping her enough…well to be honest she had the right already (so she’ll tell you)….but not to be out done I would point out that it is the Male Lion that sleeps under the tree all day whilst the Lioness kills the prey for her partner...well I can try...


23rd April 2006: We’re reading through the properties on line…when Mandy turns to me and says “I’m not sure that’s a very nice thing to say about someone’s house….”…I look down to where she’s pointing,”…There aren’t enough superlatives to describe……” it reads…I look at her quizzically and repeat Superlatives….she goes slightly pink, and starts laughing uncontrollably….followed quickly by me, once she tells me that she’s read it as Super-Laxatives!!!….now, quite why an estate agent would of all phrases use Super Laxative as a description I don’t know…only Mandy knows in her mind…..still it lightens the painful process that is looking at over priced too small properties they have on this excuse for a property site......

Monday 27th March 2006 - PARIS - JACKS B'DAY - DISNEY LAND PARIS - SPECIAL
"Vite, Allez....repete et ecoute....J'aime Le France, J'aime Paris, J'aime spending ze losts de cash dans le many wonderful shopsss...

Hi y'all tiz I again....another rip rawing journey through the despair that is my life.....

08:30: Up.....Just.....I thought it was Sunday and Mandy forgot to set the alarm....
It's been decided that the garage gofyourselves of Nebulai, are in for it. Having "repaired" the brakes they'd noted that a gater had the wrong clip on it and was leaking gunge everywhere and that the CV joint was damaged etc etc. Since the car had been there two months previously and hasn't been anywhere since and no one spotted this obvious requirement for a repair at that point.......I think "shooting yourself in the foot" springs immediately to mind. They've agreed that they should replace the clip but they're not agreeing to replacing the damaged ball joint which will cost us £178.00 "+ vat sir". This isn't on, so Spitfire Dave to the rescue has decided to take it upon himself to help us out by going and having a right rant at them on our behalf. Since he knows a thing or two about cars it'll sound believable....

09:30: Basra is in Quiet Rob is on his Jollies, Alex is in Overdone, so it's all a bit crap really.

10:30: Judy Blowhard is bringing round this spotty nosed oik and introducing him to everyone..When he gets to my desk I realise that he's about 12......feet high...I shake him by the hand as Judy introduces him as "this is Christ's ..." (the IT Director) " Son, Michelin...." you're not kidding me....

11:30: That little highlight over with it's back to work and rebuilding my laptop that had gotten so crabbed up with garbage I just thought it was time.....this should sort me out for the rest of the day....

12:30: Lunch

13:30: Back from lunch....

14:30: Still rebuilding the laptop from hell !!!!

......

Bit of a jump but following some running around like a headless chicken days....

Friday 31st March 2006:

10:30: Called in to "the office" all seems a bit serious...turns out I've got a pay rise...also turns out it isn't for very much...in fact I'm told it's 1%...I'm not entirely sure it is 1% but when I take 40% tax of it, it works out it's actually well how to put it...worthless...still we won't let that affect our long weekend away, to gay Paris....wahay !!!

Saturday 1st April 2006: (you've got to be joking)

08:00: Up with a wing and a prayer, the kids I don't think have been to sleep (they're way too excited for that...) We need to be at the station for 09:30, so we've asked Spitfire Dave if he'd pick us up in his van....

09:00: Mandy is busy doing her hair and getting last minute stuff done..things that can't absolutely wait for the 3 days we'll actually be away but hey I'm a bloke and therefore not qualified to speak.

09:10: There's a rap on the door Spitfire Dave...all raring to go (20 minutes early). If I was a cynic I'd say he did it deliberately to see his daughter running around like a headless chicken in panic...we begin loading the van, leaving Mandy to organise "The Flask of doooooom"

09:30: We're arrived at the station. My Mum and Step Dad (Jim) are waiting for us (well my Mum is busy buying the 'heheh fooled you cheap day return tickets'). Finally we make it up on to the platform and await our 'bing bong bing, the train calling at platform 4 is the 09:24 service to London Waterloo, calling at f$cking everywhere !!!!....luckily we're on platform 3 since this is the non stop, (but stopping at one stop), non stopping service....

09:45: Our train est arrive...(it's here).

09:50: Luggage loaded, Mandy and Jack and Mum and Jim manage to go off and find themselves a seat...Ryan and I are less fortunate...so it's time for some quality father son time sat in the corridor of the train talking about football.

10:00: Unluckily for Ryan he's sitting opposite the toilet door which despite the many signs indicating how to, leaves all it's temporary residents cold as none of them are able to a.understand how to close the door once they're in it and b. that the little sign above the open switch saying "toilet engaged" means, well it means that the toilet is engaged...you know it shouldn't be this difficult. If Ryan were to charge 50p for each time he'd told someone what button to press etc...he'd have 3.50 by now. It is curious how many people decide to go to toilet on a train and even more curious that most of them are women..given the chemical soup that's sloshing around in the bowl...still what do I know...

10:30: We make it to Waterloo loads on time...there's some confusion as to which way to go...so I lead on towing my suitcase behind me....Down the escalator into the EuroStar main terminal...it's easy really...now the fun begins. Apparently there's a security alert and so just for the fun of it we all basically have to virtually strip naked and have all our belongings scanned for bombs...

11:00: We're boarding the train now...Forgive me...but there are 6 of us..so you'd have thought the people selling the tickets would have put 3 pairs of seats together...you'd have thought that like me..but no..sigh...Ryan gets to sit with some old dear who farts a lot until Jim decides the seat behind isn't going to be in use so he moves there. Not my complete idea of fun 3 hours of train riding but it's a means to an end...and I can always sleep..or read my paper..that is unless people keep talking to me, asking me questions (jack) and do I want a caramel fudge bar with my coffee...it was like the famous episode of Porridge, where all I wanted to do was read the paper....We're pulling out of the station now...and my eyes are beginning to shut, to the sound of Mandy and Mum chatting....

12:20: I'm awoken to the sound of our french train conductor (or manager as they're now called) informing us in a very heavy french accent that we've finally crawled our way to the tunnel and we'll be under it for about 20 minutes...after that we can really go fast !!! as we'll be on a proper railway....

15:30: Or should that be 16:30 we make it to Gare De Nord in Paris. Now all we have to do is to make it to our Hotel. The plan (if you can call it a plan) is to get the Metro (tube) to the hotel...The reality is that none of us have ever used the Metro in anger and have not the first idea of where or even how to get it....we queue up none the less and purchase our tickets.
We wander around aimlessly around the station for a bit hoping that some old french bloke will take pity on us and help, sure enough my mum is being escorted towards the exit of the station by some old french bloke who's probably telling us to sod off "engleesh scum", but since none of us speak french well enough we follow him any way....We've been walking for about 10 minutes when I'm getting the distinct feeling that this guy is taking us to meet his family so he can issue a ransom for our release...he's pointing down the road and babbling on in well err..french...just then the sight of a tube station comes in to view....you see you can jump to conclusions but some people are just bloody helpful...we make it to the tube..being watched on all sides by the occupants of what our newest french friend calls 'petite bombay'....we pass the tickets through the machine and up on to the platform...5 minutes go by and we're getting on a metro..

17:30: We make it to our hotel...they even know who we are which to be honest is a bonus..we're all shattered...we make our way up to our rooms, numbers 43 and 44, luckily for us the boys have their own room which is sort of joined to ours in a roundabout sort of way. This means however that they have their own key......which I'll be holding on to I think!!...
5 Minutes in...I'm in the kids room sorting out one of their many squabbles...i.e. who looked at who in a funny way etc, when Mandy comes in "What's going on ?" she asks in a sort of mother is too tired for this type of way...I explain and ask "Is that the sound of our door closing ?..." and "you did bring the key with you didn't you ?"...Mandy is looking at me blankly, "I thought you had the key"....she wriggles, "well I wouldn't need the key would I, since you're in the room !!!!"....there's a realisation that we will need to get the cleaner who probably doesn't speak any french let alone english to unlock our door....I tap on the door of the room she's cleaning and almost give her a heart attack. I explain in my schoolboy broken french, damn what is the word for 'lost', that my dog has opened the fridge spilling all the cheese (well it sounded damn fine in french), she's looking at me a bit lost to be honest...I figure could try pointing and shouting a bit more....or...I could try pointing at the door and making unlocking hand signals.... Fortunately the universal symbol of door unlocking and looking like a mime seems to do the trick and she unlocks the door for me...she's unbuttoning her blouse for some reason though....

17:45: Luckily I escaped...she realised that I wasn't that desperate and the kids being there was just far too kinky even for her....we just have to find somewhere to eat...later...though now I must snooze...it is the law....

18:00: There's a knock at the, it's My Mum, suggesting that we go find somewhere to eat....Now normally I'd say this was a good idea, but this is my Mum, and Mum's the world over have this cunning ability to march when they're on a mission...I call it 'the Beach March'...yup you're on the beach with 20 buckets and spades and 3 deck chairs and a picinic basket that'd feed literally 5,000 people...and even on a deserted beach you have to walk 30 miles before she says things like "here will do I think"...well transport yourself from the beach to the middle of a bustling city, full of restaurants on the hunt for something to eat...well obviously we have to walk past 30 or so restaurants first... There is method to the madness though...as she's actually taking us to see the Moulin Rouge which looks a bit odd and a bit strange with it's windmill but great to see it....We're now walking past it down a busy side street full of people selling various bits of tat and drawing various pictures....As we go up a slight incline a large church at the top of the hill appears, it's Sacre Coer (I think that's how you spell it), which is, a large church, oddly enough...there's about 100 steps up to it or we can buy a ticket to go up in a cable car type of thing. Cable car type of thing it is then!!! At the top a view of all of Paris is shown, the Eiffel Tower in the distance and lots of roof tops...very impressive....

19:30: Ok now we definitely need to eat...my stomach has been telling me this for at least the last hour...now I'm taking some notice of it...We find a very nice restaurant, who even seem to not mind cooking my steak slightly more than raw...a bonus I think you'll find.

21:30: All done now, off to bed..Eiffel Tower and the Arc De Triomphe tomorrow...

Sunday 2nd April 2006
09:00: Well since breakfast is paid for, I see no reason not to over indulge..what the hell..We trek on down the stairs of the hotel to a fake sand stone room filled with bread, and croissants and all good stuff to eat...

10:30: Breakfast all done, it's time to get going. Today we're going to the eiffel tower (an absolute must if you're in Paris obviously). This means getting the Metro...not a problem we're getting to be a bit of a dab hand at this...

11:00: We make it to a sort of large marble paved patio about 250 yards in front of the eiffel tower, the rain is raining a little and it's all a bit wet and slippy, damp and drisly...home from home then !!!

11:30: We're stood under the tower and contemplating whether we should queue up (in the rain) to go up to the top of the tower. I'm having kittens even thinking about going up so we decide that simply looking from underneath is good enough.

12:30: It's got to be lunch time...so obviously we're going to keep walking around for a bit more....There's method to the madness...(apparently). Jim is in charge of navigation so we're all blindly following him...we walking for what seems ages down one particular street. When we get to the end, it turns out that we've made a little bit of a mistake and gone and walked down the wrong road..."ah well" we all say cheerily,...yeah right...I'm toying with the idea of hailing a cab if only I could work out what "oy! Mate!" was in french...It's not his fault, we just rely on him to know where we are and where we're going...and we took a wrong turn a some point...so we can't blame him too much...silly old sod..;-)) He get's us to the Arc de Triomphe eventually which is the main thing...the Arc itself is located in the middle of what I could best call a roundabout. Of the many exits off the roundabout, one of these is the famous Champs Elysees, I don't exactly know what it's famous for, since to all intents and purposes it looks just like a big long road, but then The Mall in london is a bit like that too I guess.

We cross over to the Arc and wander around taking photos and looking at the carvings inside it.

13:30: Ok now I really really have to eat. So we wander down one of the streets and we find a restaurant, which has seating outside, with the traffic fumes...well if you're gonna do paris you might as well do it properly mightn't you ?

15:00: Face completely stuffed (well nearly) we're on our way down the road to the Louvre, talking of which I need it...so we find a little one in the park that runs down the side of the road and I go in. This is doing me in a bit...I've noticed it once or twice before too...The toilet is unisex, so it has cubicles for the women and stand up thingys for the blokes (in the same room !!!) The toilet attendant always seems to be the opposite sex to the majority of the people in the toilet and she's ushering me towards the standy up things which I've no intention of using, particularly since she wants me to...I make an excuse and dive in to a vacant cubicle and lock the door (what a rebel!!)....

15:30: Made it to the Louvre now which is a big old building with a glass pyramid outside it which my Mum informs us is closed...nothing quite like looking at a glass pyramid that you can't go inside of ;-))

16:00: Since we're all knackered now, and officially have no feet, we decide it's time to call it a day and make our way back to the hotel so we can prepare to go out (that means snooze and rest our feet).

17:00: Back at the hotel now, I decide that the kids and I are going to watch back to the future 2 while Mandy has a bath...

19:30: Mandy is chivvying us up now...the films just about finished, and apparently we're going out for food....The trek past restaurants is on hold since we're all too tired to walk too far and we break the unwritten rule of restaurants..that goes "never eat at a restaurant that shows a picture of the food they serve..." it's an obscure one, but trust me, if they have to show you a picture then the food won't resemble it when you get it....

21:00: Sure enough my worst fears are confirmed...Mandy's "Magic" Burger will only be magic if it doesn't kill her, since 90% of it was uncooked. My "mixed grill" was pretty raw too with hard chips, not impressed...still we nearly filled a hole and there's always the mini bar !!!

Monday 3rd April 2006: Prince Of Darkness is 10
Yup it's Jack's birthday, and as a surprise for his birthday, we've decided we're all going to Euro Disney..because, well I don't think my credit card balance is quite high enough and I could do with spending some money !!

To get there we have to travel out of Paris on a double decker tube train..which is a bit weird and Mandy is having even more kittens on this and I think I'll need to have her arm surgically removed from mine by the time we stop...

15 minutes in the Ninja Ticket inspector strike force abseil their way down the outside of the train and storm the carriages, we show them our tickets and look very English and they leave us alone...

11:30: We make it to the Dis de Ney it's taken about 45 mins to 1 hour to get here...it's looking a bit unimpressive from the outside...but appearances can be deceptive I guess. We go through security and queue up to buy tickets. We get a Pass Pa Tous, which allows us access to both the studio and theme park for the day.

12:00: Jim, Ryan, Jack and Me queue up for Space Mountain...basically a rollercoaster in the dark...Once in we rattle around a track and then come to a stop at the bottom of a steep incline. We're then fired up and into space...After about 3 minutes of hurtling through the cosmos we crash land back at the point we started...Jim is looking a little shaken...I'm not sure he'll be going on anything else today....

13:00: Ryan, Jack and Me are queuing up to go in to Space Wars (basically a simulator of Star Wars), which goes the wrong way out of the gate and we end up in the middle of a battle with the Death Star...doh!...5 mins later we safely make it back to earth, which we're all a bit relieved about....

14:00: Ok now we're going to go on to the run away train ride...this ride is telling us there's a 30 minute wait, which is just about bareable...

15:00: Ok so the 30 minute wait was actually a 60 minute wait and the ride really wasn't anything to write home about...

15:30: Starving, we decide to go and get Pizza...from el dodgy Pizza's...Now I thought last nights meal was bad but this was truly awful. The woman on the till had no concept of what a debit card was, and the least said about the soggy, 3 day old pizza the better in my book...Junk food at it's worst imho...

16:00: Wandering about, we decide to go and spend a couple hours in the disney studios park since it closes at 6pm....

16:20: Made it past the 'Disney Parade' and in to the Studios park. The first thing we go on is what they call a 'Tram Tour', which takes us through a commentated tour of a few special effects and things...we stop beside a scene of an oil tanker on a hill side (a reall oil tank on a real hill side). Then the ground starts to move like we're in an earth quake, then the tanker spontaneously combusts (you can really feel the heat on your face)...just then gallons of water come crashing down the side of the hill (putting out the flames) and just missing us in the tram...all very exciting !!!! Mandy's arm is surgically attached to mine again !!!

16:40: That all done, we disembark the 'tram' and make our way to queue up for the 'Armageddon' experience. We go in and some french bloke starts waffling to us (in french!!!) about special effects and how we're all going to be in the cast...I know this because there are television screens with subtitles telling us what he's saying...At least I think that's what they're saying, (you can never be too sure !!!)...We make our way through a corridor on to 'the set' of the Russian space station from the film 'Armageddon'...the atmosphere is tense, there's a bit of a commentary happening, there are tv screens showing asteroids hitting us...then the ceiling half collapses, the floors lift up, there's spray, there's flames etc...then we're out...all very exciting stuff if you ask me...Mandy has sat this one out, she's not a big loud noisey type person.

17:00: Over to the 'build your own' roller coaster, which the kids love doing...lots of twists and turns etc...then they get to go into what looks like a giant washing machine that spins them all around (it's a simulator, simulating the roller coaster they just designed). The operator asks me how fast to make it...I say medium so they don't actually throw up....The ride comes to a stop and it's my turn...you can only have two people inside at any one time...so for once I go in with Ryan. This has the slight disadvantage that Jack will be waiting outside. The operator will then ask Jack how fast to make it to which he'll reply "no no really really fast...." I knew it was a mistake...I knew it....Ryan and I stagger out...to Jack's evil laughter...and we make our way back to Mandy, Mum and Jim...

17:30: Just time for them to sit in the directors chairs and for us to take photo's of them then we make our way to the exit....

18:00: Back in the main park now, I tell Mandy that there is one ride we haven't done yet...this is the "Indiana Jones, et le Temple de peril"...(temple of doom)...This basically is another roller coaster, but involves sitting in what looks like a mine train car...we make our way over and given the hour of the day, there's barely a queue...bonus !!!.. The ride starts and has it's usual ups and downs and hurtling around bends far too quickly..it suddenly drops and then we basically do a loop the loop in the space of what seems like 3 feet....brilliant....3 minutes later and it's all over...but it's the best ride in the park frankly...

19:30: We've done just about everything and wondered around just about everywhere. We've even paid for a really expensive cup of coffee and a cookie...no one though (including me) has considered that it's about 1 hour back to our hotel and we haven't thought about dinner....

20:30: Just got back to go back out again...Mum and Mandy want to tidy themselves up....

21:00: Trekking around somewhere...Mum is claiming that she doesn't want anything very much but could do with something...well that's a help then....We get to the end of the road and I spot a "Burger Bar"...good enough for me...We all pile in and get the worst burgers in the world from the most dodgy french people in Paris.....but it's something resembling food, and given the emptiness of my stomach and soreness of our feet I don't think anyone really cares...

21:45: We make it back to the hotel...for a rest...Home time tomorrow...but we have half a day to kill so a boat trip an Notre Dame is the order of the day....

Tuesday 4th April 2006:

09:45: Up with a spring and a stomach cramp!!!...we rush downstairs to get some breakfast...we gotta get some sustinance!!!...

10:30: We're all done..The train we need to get leaves at 3pm local time so we've some time to kill.

11:00: The plan is to do a boat trip down the Senne, however all the best laid plans and all that...today is a national strike..so boat trips are something of a premium. We manage to get on a tube which gets us in to the centre and we wonder around a bit and walk past the very impressive Notre Dame a few times...trouble is once you've seen it you've sort of seen it....

12:00: Time to stop for a bite to eat...Since we'll be getting back late-ish, we decide to have a proper meal now and then we only have to have a snack at tea time...me I have STEAK !!! it is after all the law...

14:00: Time to make our way back to the hotel, we've stowed our luggage in a little side room so by the time we get back and get that sorted and get the taxi's ordered, we should be around about the right time....

15:00: We've made it to Gare Du Nord, another 3 hour train ride to endure...my feet are killing me still...it's been a really exhausting...but good long weekend, I'm ready to return to the land of living or England as I like to call it.....Work tomorrow....excellent....can't wait....!!!

Saturday 18th March 2006
Phew the weekend....today is the day when we...wait for it, prepare to be amazed...I help Mandy's dad move his shed....yup I thought you'd be impressed...That was it, the highlight of my Saturday, oh yeah that and selecting Jacks birthday present (a bike)

Sunday 19th March 2006
Ok today is better we're off to Moors Valley country park down near Bournemouth.
The lunch is packed, flask made, sprogs at the ready...except Ryan who has unfortunately got to do a rehearsal for his lead in the local amateur dramatic societies edition of Rumplestiltskin, the musical...probably nattily entitled Rumple! or something like that ending in an exclamation mark.

So it's just we three and Mandy's sister Tina, her other half Andy and Rebeccanator who's 5.

It takes us about an hour to get there...I even managed to avoid the person who was changing lanes (slow to middle) at the same time as me (fast to middle) and I didn't even swear (quite some feat for me).

We made it there about midday, so naturally it's got to be lunch time right ? Wrong, no no we have to walk for at least 1/2 an hour first obviously..... Still very cold for the time of year so a brisk walk down to the minature railway is the order of the day. We purchase a round trip ticket...so we get the full benefit ;-)).

Then we decide to hire Jack a bike so he can have a scoot about. Rebecca has brought her one with her. We turn up at the bike hire office, and Mr Personality asks "Hello, can I help you....", "erm yes I'd like to hire a bike please" quite what else I wanted I don't know but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. "A childs bike is it ?", "yes" I reply, "and how old is the child...." now then had I been on my own this would have been a reasonable question but since the "child" in question was stood next to me it was fairly obvious I thought....I hand over my credit card and he punches in the daily charge and I punch in my pin number "did you want to pay for it all on the credit card ?" ...looking even more confused I reply "yes", I toyed with the idea of saying "No blood for half of it please..." but I'm not sure he'd have coped and if he'd had to show some emotion I'm sure he'd have exploded....and he fills out a credit card slip then proceeds to scrape all the plastic off the front of my card in one of their clever little slidy machines...christ we only hired the bike for 1 1/2 hours we've been here 10 minutes already.

We manage to wangle it that Rebecca could have the free helmet hire that came with jacks bike as she was a bit unsteady....we wander around the various activities and then it's time to head back. Luckily for Rebecca no one has rememberred about the helmet (apart from Jack!)...who's decided to question me quite loudly too close to the cycle hire shop. I have to cut him down quickly so that's him in a strop for the rest of the day...kids, are just too honest really aren't they.

Mandy is driving back since I can't keep my eyes open...I awake to her calling to Jack if he's seen Aunty Tina...but it's ok we're heading in the right direction this time!!....

Monday 21st March 2006:
08:00: Another Monday another £7.36. I've dropped Ryan off at school with his many bags, he has cooking today (God help us). We've only just persuaded him that chilli crumble really wasn't a good idea, so he's going with Apples and Pears (a bit of a relief to be honest)

09:00: Today is slow....very very slow....

10:00: Done some fiddling around checked the hiccups...all seems ok....

12:00: Lunch

12:10: Just home, for lunch...strangely Mandy is upstairs and not in the kitchen making it for me....She come's down and immediately I can see something is up, so I ask her "what's up ?", "well I'm a bit annoyed really...", "really? " I ask, "yes well the car was making a funny noise so I got my dad to have a look at it and the back brakes have just gone..." now I'm getting the feeling that I'm being blamed for this....any how to cut a long story short, a heated exchange is then ensued...differences resolved and a "plan" of how to resolve the issue are now in place...Basically I have to get a half day on Wednesday....

13:10: The excitement over I return to work...

14:00: CD-3 is the place to be..."testing DR procedures" yeah right....well it's somewhere to write this and fall asleep if necessary, whilst looking intently at a screen, no-one can tell what you're doing....

17:00: The day comes to a close, really really uneventful...

Tuesday 22nd March 2006

08:30: Made it to work

09:00: Nunob and Bill are in !!!! This must be serious...but no, it's in readyness for the IT Mothers sorry Managment Meeting, where all the managers, and the wannabe managers, and the non managers that think they should be managers go, hob nobbing it with the big wigs....

10:00: Basra is busy in big discussions with Grinn Straycat, and Katy Shark. The Kaizen project is underway and apparently he has to give a presentation...about what no body knows but it does mean he has the perfect excuse to say "sorry I have to do this..." when you ask him a question.

11:00: What I don't understand is the apparent secrecy. Nobody has thought that anyone else might want to know what is going on...but then that's Don't Be Daft all over, if you don't engage people you don't enthuse them...so the non involvement of other people isn't a big shock.

12:30: Lunch

13:30: Back from lunch and there's lots of milling around and managers speaking in big loud voices, each one trying to out manage the other. Nunob is in typically unbelievably byouant mode, so it's of to CD-3 to avoid him for most of the afternoon...

16:00: They're all heading off to their respective hotels..unfortunately it's only running for a couple of days...but that does mean tomorrow and Thursday will be quiet, so some good can come out of it.....

Wednesday 23rd March 2006

08:00: Just dropped Ryan off at school...half day today to get the car towed to the garage to have it's value depreciated by another £500 !!

08:30: Mandy's just phoning the pick up guy, who's told her that nobody needs to go with the car and so I didn't need to take the half day in any case...doh !...Never mind, at least it means we can go to Toys R Expensive...whoopeee !!!!

09:30: In a fit of peak and beligerance I decide to phone the Doctors to get an appointment to be fobbed off about my "post - digestive problems", I'm in luck, one of Dr Ducktons patients has obviously pegged it so I get their "come and have your Flu Jab Mrs Pensioner..." appointment at 11:20.. We don't have much time so we rush down to Toys R Expensive for some unknown reason....

11:15: Parked up the car having just been to Asda-be-more-expensive and spent, well I can tell you a fortune (£40!!!) on a new pair of trousers for me a cardigan for Mandy and some other bits.....I'm off for my ritual humiliation..."knees to the wall"....

11:16: I'm just walking up the ramp to go into the surgery when I distinctly can hear somebody knocking on a window....I look over to the car to discover Mandy in some distress, hammering on the window....I press the button on the remote control and the car unlocks....;-0....

11:20: I've punched in my details on the screen and it tells me to go and sit down...which I do.

11:30: yup been here 10 minutes already....you know if I'd turned up 10 minutes late I've have missed my appointment....

11:35: Finally I get the call and I go and make my way to see the black prince Doctor...I explain that I came before and got referred to Dr Cantbearsed at the hospital who said that I "needed" to have a colonsocopy...I think 'need' is a bit strong...i think he fancied having a prod around with the new colonoscopy machine...and figured I was a good guinea pig...Any how that was back in October...and it's now March. The Doctor phones up the consultants secretary (consultant will be out on the golf course at this time of day).. Well that clears that up then...apparently there's an 8 month waiting list for colonoscopy's....8 MONTHS !!!! I decide to challenge the Doctor about this...saying only "8 MONTHS !!!!..." to which he replies "yes....don't know why...." ah well that's ok then...gulp....

11:45: He's decided that it's too close to lunch time for a physical examination so he's put me down for a blood test and an appointment with the Dietician (the woman that tells you not to eat anything that you like), and oh I was forgetting a sample of my poo....luvely. Now how the hell I'm going to get it in the pot I've no idea...but I'm imagining all sorts of disgusting options at the moment.....

12:00: Finally making our way back home to get some lunch before I return to work for the afternoon.....

13:30: Back at work now....it's no better than before...just quieter with less to do...I could do this at home...I could do some calls, but I just can't be arsed....

Thursday 24th March

07:30: Up with a lark and a burning sensation....off to the loo with my little pot of treasure in hand...Somehow I manage to get it everywhere but where it's supposed to be. The pot is too rigid to turn inside out so I'm going to have to somehow manoever it in. I managed to do this now...but I'm not feeling that well anymore....

08:00: Ryan has already gone to basketball...so I just have to get myself to work....

08:30: Blimey, it's like the Mary Celeste...all we'd need is a few tumble weeds and it would look like it sounds...deserted........

Tuesday 14th March 2006: "oh and father christmas has come a callin'......."

Lo all yup me again... another tale to tell of woe and woe.....

07:00 Up with the lark today..ok that's a complete lie. Radar on automatic and I've only bashed into two door frames on the way to making the tea. This training is all very well but I miss out on at least 1/2 an hour of sleep...tch....

08:10: On the road now after my trip to the garage...petrol to put in, pineapple juice to buy (what the hell eh?)

09:15: Made it to the NCraP car park, that is literally spitting distance from the place where the course is. I check the tariff board this time and discover that it's not exactly that much different to the train station one....My reckoning is that this will cost me about £10-11 to park all day...I'm already preparing myself for the "why didn't you just get the train" etc etc questions...

10:00: Training is well and truly underway. I neglected to mention that someone with the same name as me is also on this course...odd very odd...I still can't quite understand it.
I'm also slightly embarrassed by the fact that everyone at the course seems to know someone else on the course, i.e. their firm has decided that more than one person should know this stuff, unlike DBD.

10:30: First break of the day so I collect my coffee (having of course first raced through the 'lab' modules (experiments you have to do). I decide it'll be a good idea to check my mail...After punching in my username and password about 100 times I finally get in. Quiet Rob has sent me the question of the day which I haven't a hope in answerring, thanks for that Rob. There's also an email from Basra Hollohead, indicating that he's having a real problem with the WebNonsense reporting server....to which Nunob has responded by very cleverly say "See I told you it should have been reimaged..." yes that's quite right, in fact it wasn't actually you Nunob now was it ? It was in fact Luish (I don't know but that's how they pronounce it), and if I'm not mistaken, you asked for it to be reimaged about 2 hours before I went home on the Friday before it was due to get sent to the MFI loco. Now all of a sudden it's a "I told you so" it's got to be because it had ISNA installed on it....Well if I actually cared that much I'd respond in kind, but since my new tactic is to not give a toss, I let it slide. I email Basra and basically say that if it needs to be reimaged then we need to get the box back...I really don't fancy another loco trip next week....

10:45: Back to the Squeel course and it's trainer Bill Oddie the 2nd...he's waffling on about RAID and about the different types of RAID (Redundant Array of Inexpensive Disks, really nothing clever to worry about), but I know a thing or two about this....and can't help blurting out that RAID 0 isn't actually RAID, then we get into a "oh yes it is....." and a " microsoft actually recommend RAID 0....." war of words...the old DBA vs SYS ADMIN war of words about this...I put them in place by very slowly explaining the meaning of the acronym R.A.I.D and pointing out that if there is no redundancy then it's actually an A.I.D not a R.A.I.D by definition...they just stare through me...well I'm sorry but if someone is going to talk bollox then I feel it my duty to humanity to talk them through it and show them the error of their ways....Rob I hope you're reading this ;-).

12:45: Lunch...I make a break for it...thinking cleverly that I'd sit in the car and listen to the RADIO but no, MW radio (or FM for that matter) doesn't seem to work very well inside a multi-storey car park, I toy with the idea of running a piece of wire connected to the aerial of the car to outside the car park but quickly decide the better form of valour is to admit defeat and trudge back into the building and eat my Sainsbury's Garage sandwiches there, amongst the strange people....

14:00: Back from lunch..the course resumes and I so can't keep my eyes open...I mean we are talking about roles and security....

15:00: Another break !! I'm not sure quite how I've made it this far but I have....

16:30: "now you can complete the exercises now or first thing......" he doesn't even get the whole sentance out and most of the class including me are up on their feet....I make it back to the car park slide in the ticket, it says £11:60 I gulp give it my credit card and finally leave.

17:10: I've just made it back in, Colin our financial advisor is coming to sell us, sorry see us. I've spotted that we're paying way over the odds for our life assurance and we're trying to save money so we can afford our loft conversion, so this should be interesting. Mandy has cooked sausages but with my red wine sauce (she's made it)...I have to admit that her effort is better than mine !!! This isn't on.....

Monday 13th March 2006: "I tell you it's Bill Oddie!!!"....

Hello and welcome to the first installment of my latest blatherings. This week I've been sent on a weeks training, so should be fun.

Last week finished with Cazakstan LargeBelly, completing her final day before going on maternity leave, with the immortal words "don't worry I'll be back...".
Well, first thing to say on that is; no, she won't...

If the obliviousness of the pain that is about to hit her doesn't kill her or the pain itself doesn't, then she'll bond so madly with her new born enough so that she'll to want to endlessly bring in the little brat and won't be able to bear to be without him / her so much so that all the women, in the office who are unlikely to have children, unless rohipnol becomes legal and they spike prospective males drinks, will all insist on having "a hold". They'll come up to her and say things like "can I have a hold" and the poor bastard will be so fed up by the end of it that he'll scream for the next 20 nights just out of spite..... It serves her right...she was a bit too enthusiastic, insisted on using the disabled loo...(talk about labouring a point)...and maybe I'm just a bit jealous that she's managed to escape (on a technicality), this god forsaken monotony, I call work....perhaps...perhaps.

Taking over from her is Leer Walkapast (spelt Leah but I know what I mean). Now not that she's completely unpleasant on the eye, but she seems to spend most of the day walking past my desk, and she seems to be carrying a pair of jelly's in her bra, which can't help but catch your eye....I try not to look but I mean sometimes it's just sooo in your face that you can't actually look at your screen...I'm thinking of moving mine to the other side just so I can get some work done....Why does she insist on walking past my desk all day long...Up and down the corridor, it seems relentless..maybe she's discovered that she only needs to do this all day and then she doesn't have to do any actual work !!! Her boss is Vanessa ? When talking about Vanessa ? I have to end every line with a question mark ? Because Vanessa Australian, and of the generation where every sentence ends with a question ?.

They're the two new recruits in purchasing. The centre of Excrement is still just past where I sit on the edge of mediocrity, my very own department, some call 3rd line, some call sys admin, I call plain crap....

But to business...like I said I have a week of training (fanfares playing the background, this is a moment like in 2001 when the apes finally understood that they could beat the living crap out of each other)..... It's SQL Server Training Special week...(oooh my favourite subject SQL server...yummy)

07:00: Up with a thud (that'll be me falling out of bed!!) My stomach feels like it's got a bag of marbles rolling around in side it, I'm not best placed to be doing training....I check my mobile has enough charge and hey guess what..it hasn't and there's no sign of my charger....I could ask Mandy but since she has become mumified once again (Tea in hand, sleep in face, note to self, good title for chinese film), that could be tricky. Somehow, she has managed to inject life in to the speaking part of her brain (well she is a girl after all) and has shouted to Ryan that he needs to get ready.

Mandy has to take both the kids this week, since I have to drive (and I really do have to drive) to Reading, which means I have to leave home before 8am (who am I trying to kid, at 8am would be closer and at 08:10am nearer still!!)

08:10: I'm on the road, I know that I will need change for parking, so I take the £5 note on the side knowing that I need to break in to it somehow...to cap it all, and in order to save some money I'm taking the Mondeo, which means I also have no washer bottle fluid....A stop at the sainsbury's garage is in order.

08:20: Finally I'm actually on the road, and in the queue...to the first roundabout...I just know this is going to fun...

09:10: Finally made it to Reeling where the corse is at Quadroplegic taining services, so I park up in the station car park, thinking this will be a real good thing to do. I take the little token thingy that comes out of the machine, drive around for what seems like an eternity and find the one free space there is there....I lock the car up and make my way towards the exit, noting to myself that if I'd ventured up one more ramp I'd a. be closer the exit and b. realise that the car park is 3/4 empty...I carry on past the tariff board, noting....£13.00 BLOODY QUID !!!! ??? I turn around, go back to the car and with reckless abondment drive like a nutter down and around so many times I'm now dizzy...to the exit...I insert the coin in to the exit barrier machine, certain that I'm not going to pay anything even if it means bending their brand new barrier....but luckily it lets me out without the need to pay (handy)....So now I have to find a new car park...I see the little P sign and follow it to a "car park" that's consists of 20 spaces and two broken ticket machines (and no working ones..)

09:30: I simply don't have time to worry about it so I make my way in the general direction of the training centre, which like so many training centres I've been too, resembles a squat in a disused building...still at least I've made it. I ripped out a page of my notebook and wrote BOTH MACHINES OUT OF ORDER and my mobile number and left that on my dashboard just in case....I'm still convinced that the car will have been towed by lunchtime, but we'll see....

09:35: I manage to make it to the desheveled building that Quadroplegic training are squatting in and I even get given a pass..woohooo...the value of this is somewhat questionable I hasten to add since there's literally no one else in the building..but still.

09:40: I find my way to the office where I'm greeted by the receptionist who informs me somewhat forecably that I need to sign their register. Odd I think someone has written my name against my name already...but I sign it and think nothing of it.

09:45: We're called into the training room by Richard our trainer, who I swear is the elder brother of Bill Oddie, they even sound the same. The only slight difference is the huge bushy moustache that Richard has, one of those one's that scream SHAVE ME OFF NOW !!!!. Training begins....zzZZZZZZ

13:00: Somewhat to my dismay lunch is not provided...this means somehow I now need to find some cash from somewhere. First things first I need to go and see if the car is still where I left it.

13:05: I make it to the car park...no one has obviously been and clamped or towed the car away but I just can't leave it there and besides it takes an age to walk there. I hop in and drive back the way I came and this time finding the NCP car park that is literally behind the building where our training is....Note to self tariff's not cheap but not £13.00 either.....

14:00: Managed to grab a baguette from the train station and a packet of sweet chilli crisps and I make my way back to training.

16:40: Kick out time for training...so I drag my weary brain back to the car...I have to pay for the parking first, and I've cleverly noticed that I can pay by credit/debit card so this I try...I insert my ticket it tells me I owe £5.00...and there's another slot that try as I might I don't seem to be able to get my card in to. The guy stood behind me somewhat patiently suggests I slide it in to the same slot as the one I pushed the parking ticket and voila ! it works !!....All fairly painless I make my way back home...More of the same tomorrow.....can't wait !!!......

"It's going to get really confusing now.....", hi all and welcome to the beginning of my latest masterpiece. Ok I haven't written it yet so how will I know it's a masterpiece ? Good question and one I hope to answer, (quite cleverly) over the coming weeks....;-) If you think it's great then great (I don't actually care but hey good for you). If you don't then I don't care that you don't like it... Just a word of warning...the ramblings is going to be written in the same vein as the Adventures (the prequel) any similarity between any person living or dead and any organisation is completely intentional...you think I make this stuff up !!!!!

Well christmas is well and truly over. I got my usual bounty of good stuff, flat panel telly etc etc...The kids got their normal assortment of goodies too. This year in an attempt to have something resembling "credit" in my beleagured bank account we managed to arrange it so that we would just buy for my parents and mandy's parents saving ourselves in the process, nearly 300 pounds. Handy really since we ended up buying Ryan a PisSP at over 200 pounds so that money had to come from somewhere. We had a reasonably good time and then it was on to the New Years Eve panic, sorry Party. I could be a governement whip I did that much arm twisting, still those that came had a bloody good night out..those that didn't may have done too, but I don't actually know that and I am rambling off in to oblivion now....

So why start again now eh ? It's March....well yes it's March and this is the part of the year where things start to get interesting. Corvette Driver has left, Harry's dad the wizard of Potterdom is left to fend for himself, Brenty and I have given up smoking, for me it's been 7 weeks, for him a little longer. Still he's going to the gym getting himself fit, which will be why he's at home at the moment with a bad back...you have to laugh... Interesting yes, well it is...it's soon to be 'pay cut' day at don't be daft international, where we go through the pretence that this piece of paper actually is indicative of something...we have bonusses mmmmm..spent mine already which will be a bugger when we discover it's not anywhere near what we thought it would be....and there must be performance reviews and objective setting (perhaps not objectives since we've done without 'em so far)....

So now is the winter of our discontent...let the good times roll...My team Liverpool are now out of the champions league so I've time enough to devote to writing this rubbish...World cup year as well and we've just had the Winter Olympics...with the Commonwealth games to come shortly...I just can't wait !!!!...

I just ask that you're patient a little longer....Installments start on Monday.....